Saturday, December 24, 2011

Selfpity Eve



The love of Christmas music was for me one of those afflictions brought on by pregnancy hormones. I don't remember ever flipping through the car radio to find the holiday music before kids, but after, I only had to do it once a year because that was the only station I listened to for weeks. I was even sad to see it go. Temporary insanity must be an important element of being a good parent to babies.



I didn't lose my taste for Christmas music until a couple years ago, when the family got swine flu. I'm not sure if it was the illness or the undercurrents of unhappiness in the marriage, but I decided that jolly made me mad. Last Christmas, in the middle of my divorce and the beginning of the kid's split custody schedule, I really did not want to hear that wonderland shit.



I'm still avoiding the holiday music. It's too bad because the kids are at an age to really get into the spirit of it all, but I''m not there yet. A new ritual of spending time alone at Christmas started the Swine Flu year. This year I will spend Christmas Eve alone. I'll sleep in late then work and wrap presents and stuff stockings. I'll donate something and cook something. And for some reason, I'll repeatedly get this image in my head of snow falling at night. I welcome the downtime, but it's a sad time for me.



I've pretty much worked through the divorce grief. For real, I have not held that in. Now, I'm sad because I notice what's missing. It makes me aware of how I could be working harder or making better decisions. So yeah, it's Selfpity Eve. But the dark and stormy introspection time is good for me, and I need to take it like a grownup and do what I need to do so I'm not so cranky next Christmas.

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