Saturday, May 14, 2011

Round and Round

Before life got rich with responsibility, I most always functioned as a line. If I was at A and wanted B, I charged there, and if something got in the way, I found a new B. Now if I want B, I spiral. That’s what the wild goose chase for a job was like. That’s what parenting is like. There are times I even impress myself with the way I take care of my mama business, and there are those setbacks and side adventures that make me wonder if I'm cut out to be a parent at all.

The female concept of time I was introduced to in college fascinated me – it’s that other gender that likes lines; we’re round. I can appreciate a shift in perspective . . . yes, women are too sophisticated for a mere timeline. We know that life is really swirls of cycles. So sad that men can't even comprehend the significance with their skulls. But honestly, I've had to grow as a person to appreciate the art of circular progress.

I find myself moving in circles often. I get lost on my way to work about once a week. The locations don't change; it's my thoughts that take me to some other place. I can't defend my tendency toward distraction, but the indirect path can be the best bet. A couple nights ago, I went on a run to the coast. The beach was deserted, and I was tempted down to the sand by the large sparkly waves in the half moon. When almost at the water, I turned around to be startled by a man behind me. He turned around abruptly, disappearing into the darkness in the direction of the stairs. 

It started with the paranoid back glances as I watched the waves. I never saw where that guy went. He could have left, or he could be at the base of the stairs. I decided to leave the beach via the harbor then came to a stop when I realized I would end up on a remote, unlit path. I headed back to the stairs - I was obviously being ridiculous . . . or was I? I stopped again and looked in every direction, disoriented, before going for a long, slow loop back up the beach to a couple bonfires I could see in the far off distance. That's pretty much my life metaphor at this time, and I'm not throwing a party about it.

All whining aside, a circle solved my problem. When I have the kids, exercise seems impossible. After homework and dinner and bedtime, I'm apartment-bound. I thought about joining a gym with childcare, but I have this peculiar fear that gyms are breeding grounds for the next pandemic. That's why I was thrilled when I realized there's a track next to my apartment. By day a parking lot and by night a track, seconds from my front door. Circles are working for me.


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