Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Beetle Visit

This Fourth of July weekend, my family stayed with four of my best friends and their assorted family and friends in a lovely home on the Central Coast that belongs to Bindy’s family. One of the more memorable moments was pure hysteria (although I have to say that Quinn’s arrival was also memorable, when she announced with all the children surrounding her that she was sunburned from her “butt crack to her muffin top.” She caught my look and asked me to the side if “butt crack” was too much. I told her I wasn’t sure because I hadn’t gotten past “muffin top.” Apparently, she was talking about back fat. That was not the first image that came to my mind.)

On Saturday night, I was playing a peaceful game of scrabble with my friend Tabitha and her man Ren. We were sprawled out on their bed, and we had the nearby French doors open. We heard a weird sound, and Ren noticed there was a large beetle that had flown in and landed on a table. It was a good-sized beetle. I think it was green with stripes going down its fleshy bug body. Ren walked over and gestured to come take a look. The way it was moving, it looked to me like two beetles mating. But no, it was just one weird beetle.

I told Ren to wait because I was going to get my husband. He loves insects and reptiles and stuff like that. My husband led four kids back to the “beetle” room. My daughter Daisy also loves bugs and will handle them with her bare hands. So no one was frightened. Yet.

I didn’t think it was strange that Tabitha had stayed on the bed when I was taking a closer look. My friends tend to be a little loungey, and sometimes we prefer to stay where we are, instead of changing positions. I saw no indication of the rapidly gathering terror.

I’m a little unclear as to what exactly happened when the mayhem broke loose. I was sitting next to Tabitha on the bed again. My husband had the beetle and maybe it started to fly or maybe Tabitha demanded it be removed . . . what I do remember is the beetle was taken outside. For one second. Then, it flew back in the room through the door that had been left open. I don’t know if it’s even possible to describe the way Tabitha exploded into panicked terror. Everything went crazy. Violet jumped in my lap. The rest of the kids were shrieking. My dog cowered and tried to jump to safety on the bed, because we were obviously in mortal danger.

Tabitha unleashed on my husband, who was trying to catch the beetle. “GET IT OUT!!!!! GET IT OUT!!!!!! IT’S ALL ON YOU, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!! There are conflicting reports of whether she really said “asshole,” but if she didn’t say it . . . it came through in her tone. The kids continued to shriek while Violet sobbed quietly in my lap, Ren cheered my husband on, and I laughed so hard I could barely talk to reassure Violet. My husband stood on a chair, trying to get the beetle out of a light sconce. He was obviously pretty flustered and turned to Tabitha, “YOU HAVE GOT TO CHILL!” I might be getting the order confused, but Tabitha let him know: NOW THE BEETLE IS LOST IN THE ROOM . . . GET IT OUT!!! GET IT OUT!!! . . . AND IT’S GOING TO CRAWL IN MY HAIR WHEN I’M SLEEPING! GET IT OOOOOUT!!!! I don’t see how she would be sleeping at all if that beetle really got lost in her room.

My husband caught the beetle and took it outside, this time remembering to shut the door. And we laughed and laughed and laughed. I’m pretty sure the kids will not have post-traumatic stress. I explained that Tabitha was just really scared, but she’s OK now.

Ever since, shrieks of IT’S ALL ON YOU! keep echoing in my mind, and I’m walking around with an idiotic smile on my face half the time. Good weekend.

picture: http://www.flickr.com/photos/eflon/3259016243/sizes/l/in/photostream/


  1. haha I love that I don't have to deal with the bugs in this family.

  2. but would you totally lose it like that?

  3. Not for a beetle, but when I was pregnant one of those huge water bug roaches (you know the ones that are like two inches long?) was in the bathroom and I went a bit crazy (those things run at you FAST!). Ryan thought there was a burglar in the house or something. haha So I guess we all have our limits.

    I'm probably somewher between your husband and your friend.